So here I am again, up writing a blog at some mad hour of the night when I should be sleeping. But, as I have read in all the books and refused to believe, I am having anxiety over my upcoming responsibility." What if's" are racing through my mind. I know that after I write this blog many of you will feel obliged to tell me that I will be a wonderful mom and that everything will be fine. For my sake, resist that urge. I want to hear the authentic truth.
What if I can't handle it. What if I don't want to feed my babies in the middle of the night and would rather gouge my eyes out (I'm seriously afraid of that). What if my husband doesn't want to help and I can't do it all. What if I love my babies more than my husband. What if I don't love my babies...
What is it that goes on between parent and child that causes people to go through the "horror" of the first months-years of one child (depending on the perspective of the parent) and then turn around and have another, and another, etc. Is there some element of parenthood that I'm missing that overrides all of the "what if's" and the pain of infancy. Don't tell me simply that it's "different when it's your own", ok I get that, but that's not comforting.
I am legitimately freaked out about loosing sleep and falling into depression. What if no one is around to help me and I feel so alone that I do something crazy. It's not unheard of. What if I don't have what it takes to keep myself from crossing the line. (And for those of you thinking I've already lost it after reading this post...I'm still fine, just thinking out loud.) Can I trust the medical profession to diagnose me if I get postpartum depression before I do something stupid?
I know I just opened myself up to a plethora of stories about these topics, both encouraging and discouraging, and I welcome your feedback. If you have a story that is pertinent to what I'm talking about, please only tell me the ones that have a good ending. I've heard enough horror stories that have no redeeming quality about child rearing. I get that it's not all fun and games, but I'm not interested if your perspective is all doom and gloom either. Clearly I have enough clouds in my sky right now.
I enjoy reading your posts and I'm not sure if it helps to know this but everything, even and especially the fears are completely normal. It's a scary, scary transition to motherhood! I am reflecting back as I read all your posts. One of the cliche words of advice that really will be important is that you ask for help no matter how tempted you are to do it all yourself. don't be afraid to tell Nate you need help in the middle of the night. I found the nights to be hardest mostly because it's dark and everyone else is sleeping and here is this baby, uh, or TWO babies that don't want to sleep at all. I will be praying for you and I know your friends, church family etc. will jump in to help which won't make things easy but will sure help out a ton! love you girl!! keep writing!
ReplyDeleteThanks Terri. That's really good advice.
ReplyDeleteWill you want to sleep instead of feed your babies...heck, yes! But, you won't. Will you sometimes feel resentment when you are up with the babies and Nate is sleeping....heck, yes! But, it will pass. (when he takes a shift and you rest.) Will you need help...heck, yes! But, who doesn't? Will it be hard...heck, yes! Will it be worth it...? You tell me. (But you can wait a few months to answer that question.)
ReplyDeleteOK, so I'm not a mom, but I have some feedback. First, Nate is a 100% satisfaction kind of guy. I think the only thing that will keep him from helping out would be the fear of not knowing how to take care of babies. Once he learns how to do things he does them well--VERY well, and I think that will roll over into parenthood as well... As long as you tell him what you need as a WIFE and a mom.
ReplyDeleteSecond... an answer to all your "what if's"... call your sister and she will do everything she can to get there ASAP for some reinforcements. Or just call to get frustration out. My ears are open and my judgments are nonexistent.
Mindy you're a riot! Thank you for your candor. Kehla...love you bunches!
ReplyDeleteHi Kelci!!! Your blogs are very interesting and I love gettin sneak peaks into your life!! As a mother of twins i don't think i went through all those ups and downs but i know " You can do all things through Christ who strenghtens you!!" That was my motto and I leaned on it alot. It is tuff raisin twins but you get those special moments with each of them and it makes it all the worthwhile. That first smile, first coos, first time walkin, playin together it really is worth it all. As for free time that will come when they are a little older and your best friend agrees to take both wonderful children while you have a couple hours with your hubby!! Josh and I are praying for you and your soon to be family of 4! Luv Ya and God Bless!!!
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