Surrender

SO, it's been a while since my last post. I had a hard time my last month of pregnancy and I literally could not use my computer due to my protruding stomach. As I stated in my last post, I was in a huge amount of pain due to a condition called Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction. Apparently it means my ligaments that normally kept my pelvic bone aligned became too relaxed and stretchy due to the relaxin hormone that is released in order to prepare your body for child birth. My relaxin did it's job too well and I was unable to walk for several weeks before and after the babies came. So, needless to say that I've had to surrender my plans that I had for how things would be and I'm learning now more than ever how to take life an hour at a time. Fortunately, my little bundles were born on October 8th at 11:15 and 11:16pm both weighing in at 6 pounds even. Their names are Everett and Kaelyn. Ev had to spend two nights in the NICU to monitor his breathing but they both are exceedingly healthy, especially for being 4 weeks early.

At this point I'm loving being a mom. I had a hard recovery and still have physical therapy to do to get my mobility back to normal, but I'm just thankful to be walking again. My mom leaves tomorrow morning, which I am totally freaked out about seeing as she has helped me with the night feedings (and everything else) so far. But I know Nate is going to step up to the plate...just praying these little ones will start sleeping more. They eat every 3 hours still, and sometimes they wake up starving after just 2.5 hours. (They're both over 8lbs.) I can't give them more food at a feeding because they just spit it up and Ev has reflux as it is. So, I'm hoping for some sort of solution.

Pacifiers are my best friend and worst enemy...love them when the kids don't spit them out, and hate them when the kids wake up because they've spit it out for the 100th time. I rarely finish a meal, let alone my morning coffee, which isn't all bad because I have A LOT of repair to do on my body. I love all the little baby gifts people have been sending and shopping for my kids is definitely going to be a hobby of mine. I never knew I could love two people so much and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with them. It'd be great if they'd stop growing so fast though. I cried last night because Ev is 5 weeks and has pretty much grown out of his New Born clothes already. When things are calm and quiet I can't stop myself from just staring at them and kissing them as much as they'll let me. Hearing them cry when they're getting a bath or are uncomfortable makes me sad, but I'm so thankful for the cry they make when they're hungry or need a diaper change...it makes life easier knowing what they need. The worst is when I know why they're crying but can't help them (gassiness and such). Well anyway, that's all for now, and I'm sure there will be much more to come!

Joy in Pain

I have had the priveledge of being able to work through my pregnancy. I have a wonderful boss and supportive coworkers that make it possible for me to work from home when necessary. Althoug, I'd rather be in the office, out with people or at the church, there have been days where my body was not having it. As I approach my babies birth, my body is giving up and giving into more and more pain. BUT, today (much like many days of being in my house all day) I made myself aware of all of the joy around me while in my physical pain.

Today was a darker, rainy day which made it more quiet than most. I was so happy to look over at my window where my kitties sit and look outside and see them watching the rain drops come down as tranquil as can be. They probably have the most boring life ever (sleeping and being held captive inside) and yet they are as happy as can be. I've had more physical pain, boredom and anxiety in my life these last few months than I was prepared for, but I've had the best experiences with friends, family and the Lord than I ever could have imagined.

Being a person who loves accomplishment, I've learned how fast I let life fly by when I'm opporating at full capacity. Never do I stop and watch the rain, or enjoy the love and kind words of a loved one to the ultimate. Recieving help from friends and encouragement from people I haven't seen in years has penetrated my heart in such a way that I believe I am changed forever. I view the world differently, and I actually hear people when they are talking to me. I listen and soak it in more than ever before. Life is facinating now that I'm forced to watch it rather than run through it.

I have endured quite a bit of emotional pain in the past and the physical pain that I'm experiencing now is nothing to deny. We all have times of pain, and the level or extent of it does not take away from it's validity. I'm quite aware that my current circumstance pales in comparison to the pain others have experienced, but I have to believe that when we're looking we will find joy in pain. I actually believe this because I believe in Jesus and He promises there can be joy amidst suffering. He's in the life changing business, and mine is forever changed because of my short amount of time in pain. I'm fortunate because it's an end to a means. I'm praying for you who are experiencing and have experienced intense pain of any kind.

Hello, Goodbye

I'm 34 weeks in with these beautiful babies and it's time to start saying my goodbyes to all of the ailments and inconveniences of pregnancy. I would like to start with the pain. Goodbye to joint pain caused by swelling, goodbye to the pelvic pain that makes me want to cry every time I move. Goodbye to the excruciating pain that takes over my entire body anytime I lay down and try to sleep. Goodbye to the contractions that occur at random and the feeling that my uterus is going to fall right out the bottom of my stomach if I stand up too long. Goodbye to heartburn, headaches, back pain and aching feet.

Next I would like to bid farewell to the inconveniences of not being able to bend over, squat down, clean my house, carry ANYTHING, climb the stairs at an appropriate pace, DRIVE, stand up for more than 15 minutes at a time, or sit down for more than 30 minutes without pain and swelling. I long for the day when my average amount of visits to the restroom in a 24 hour period does not exceed 15, when I don't have to hydrate like my life depended on it, and I can eat like a normal person again and not feel like one wrong choice will kill my babies. It will be amazing when I'm no longer noticed on the street for my absurdly large stomach and comical waddle but for my sweet, cutie babies. I hope to never enter another maternity store for the rest of my life, and can't wait to button my pants when I put them on. Seeing my feet again while standing up will be great and sitting in a ladylike position instead of like I'm in hospital stirrups all day will be very comforting. Also, full range of motion in all extremities will be quite a treat.

On the other hand I would like to say hello to my water breaking, the crazy car ride to the hospital, the Operating Room, followed by a C-section, and finally the sweet sounding cries of my two little bundles. I would like to say hello to hard recovery from surgery but the satisfaction of seeing their faces every day. Hello to the pain of breast feeding/pumping and to the benefits to my body and theirs. Hello, to exercising, sleeping in the same bed as my husband, sleeping for more than one hour at a time (even though it may only be three to four at a time if I'm lucky), my family coming to see the new additions, the holidays...

I'm starting to become more of an impatient person and I experienced a bit of depression today because I feel like they should be done in there. God knows when they're ready and I know He's gonna bring them in His time. But I'm ready now, I'm done...far from over it. I had to blog tonight to blow off some steam before attempting to fall asleep again. It's never going to end...is it? (That's how I feel.)

Laid Up While Knocked Up

In anticipation of these two little bundles, every once in a while I still feel the need to vent about the small hurdles that will make it all worth while. My joy is overwhelming when I imagine what it will be like to meet our babies, but the frustration that comes with housing them for these months still gets the best of me. We’re in week 31 right now. The babies are doing wonderful, praise God, and I’m healthy as well. However, the body transformations are far from over.

Have you ever seen, or even owned those small plastic capsules that you put into water as a kid and all of the sudden it turns into an animal shaped sponge? Or how about those packs of underwear that are given at showers and birthday parties as a gag gift? They are packaged up into a 2” by 2” square and after 12-24 hours in the water they’re a flaming pair of boxers with hearts on them? Well, that’s what I am experiencing with my feet and hands on a daily basis.

I’m slightly swollen all over, but if I spend more than 10-20 minutes on my feet…poof…I’m a sponge. So, I’ve taken to sitting even more, WHICH, if you know me at all, is NOT my favorite thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I love to relax a little at the end of each day to get ready for the next, but typically efficiency and mobility are my two go-to drugs. For all of you who have ever been instructed to take it easy or sit down more, or (bless your souls) be on bed rest, you know the amount of discipline it takes to just sit around.

Fortunately I am still able to work and do small tasks around the house. Being in public is a sight to see. If I need to get anything at the store, I go to the stores that have those little scooters with the baskets on the front. That’s right…I ride around the store gathering my items with my stomach in the passenger seat. I get a variety of stares, ranging from “ what is her deal” to “ oh, poor thing”. My best friends just told me the other day that she loves going out in public with me. She chuckled this out loud after watching someone give me the twice over as we were walking to her car in the parking lot.

It has become comical at this point. I’m too happy about the babies coming soon to be mad about it anymore. The best is when I’m sitting on the couch and one foot is tilted on its side I find it has taken on a whole new shape when I lift it up again. It really is like the plastic capsules, part of the thrill is waiting to see which shape is going to come out next. The babies get a “kick” out of it too, ha ha…they are moving around like little champs in there.

Too Big for My Britches

Now that I'm in my third trimester I have the daunting task of finding more maternity clothes to fit over these two growing babies. Specifically shirts. The problem I face is that I am smaller on top but very round in the middle. So shirts that fit my shoulders do not cover my belly. At first I didn't think this would be a big deal and that I would just go up a size in maternity shirts...so, off to the store I went.
When I got there, there was a sweet young lady (about 5-10 years younger than me that clearly had not had her body alerted by pregnancy) who started a dressing room for me. I picked things off the rack that I thought might cover my belly, and still keep me cool in this heat we've been having. From time to time she would check on me and take the clothes I picked back to the dressing room...very non-invasive. Then I made my way over to the bra section to get a new size for the THIRD time and WHOOPS, there she was right behind me asking if I knew what size I was. I told her my estimate, she sized me up and then asked, "can I measure you?".
I knew where she was going with this having worked my way through my junior year of college at Victoria Secret. There is this system that people in the undergarment world have come up with that is supposed to be a sure-fire way to determine what bra size you are, ranging from the band to the cup size.
I declined her offer twice, knowing her tactics wouldn't work on me, but was growing tired of her asking and caved in the third time. (Apparently she thought she knew something that I didn't.) So she busts out her cute little measuring tape (pun intended) and wraps it around me in the three areas that she has been trained to do. We all know where this is going. Her measurements clearly contradicted my estimation (and entire life experience of living in my body and clothing it for years) and she announced to me that I was wrong about the size I was choosing. For some unknown reason I engaged her in an explanation of why her size would not work and gave her several examples of why I was confident in my decision, but again she persisted. The heat in the place was getting to me, so I wasn't thinking clearly and I allowed her to pick two of her sizes for me while I brought in the size I knew would fit me. Looking back, I have no idea why I put up with this, I remember feeling like I was in a cloud and in physical pain all at the same time, so I must not have been with it enough to kindly shut her down.
We ventured into the dressing room and I tried my bra choice on first as she looked for more long shirts for me to try. Yep, it fit just the way I wanted it to. Then, only to extend the craziness I waited until she came back and asked me how it fit to show her that it fit perfectly. "Oh no," she said, "if you have two months to go, you're going to grow out of that." The first thing that went through my mind was, "um, have you every been pregnant...with twins for that matter?". Of course I answered my own question and decided to try her choices on. Sure enough they didn't fit for the exact reasons that I told her they wouldn't. She insisted that I would grow into them. At this point I had heard enough about my growing and just decided to let it go.
I tried on all of the shirts, (like 30 of them) none of which fit. They were to big in the shoulders and the back. And at this point I was officially exhausted. I had to get out of there. It must have been God with me that day that kept me from giving that girl more attitude than I must have, and to top it all off, because she did assist me for so long and all I walked out with was one top after 2 grueling hours, I told her supervisor what a wonderful job she had done and agreed to fill something out online that would look good on her record. So weird.
So, anyway, I'm not sure how I'm going to keep this belly covered for the rest of the pregnancy, and I'm going to have to take a couple more breaths before attempting the bra thing again. But I'm looking forward to the future, and have learned two great lessons. Number one, never let someone younger and cuter assist you in a clothing store, and number two keep your privates private...no one else knows them like you do.

Makin' Babies

Well, I've come to the conclusion that this whole baby making thing is overly understated. Typically when you think of baby making, you think a that one magical moment when egg and sperm unite to make a baby, or babies in some cases. This, my friends, is just the beginning of making a baby. I am very much still in the process of making these babies. There is no other way to describe it. Unlike the first of my blogs, as I have stated, in this last trimester I am finding this job much more rewarding. I actually can feel what I'm making on a daily basis. I am at 28 weeks and definitely have a ways to go. If the babies were ready to come, I would welcome them gladly. But here's hoping for at least 8 more weeks in the oven.

I always like it when Nate and I are filling friends in about the pregnancy and he says "we" have a couple more months to go. He is TOTALLY experiencing this pregnancy, just from a different perspective. He has been unbelievably supportive. Not only has he had to continue his day to day business, but when he gets home he has had to take on several different roles depending on the circumstance. To name a few, he has had be my counselor, waiter, handyman (which I find very attractive), personal chef, personal assistant, launder, master organizer, bed side nurse, and representative. You know...life goes on when you're pregnant and the smallest things have become harder and harder for me to do on my own. I know I paint a perfect picture of Nate, of course he is just a perfectly flawed as I am, but I'm just taking it all in and watching how this babies makin' business is building our family.

I have to give a shout out to all of my loved ones for your support. I can't even start the list of the people who have blessed us during this time. These babies can feel the love!

Side note: Um, is there are reason why I can't keep food and liquids in my mouth when I eat like I used to. I have developed a "hole" in my lip. It's hilarious, but definitely linked to this pregnancy. Also, I've lost a lot of the strength in my grip...whassup wit dat?

No Pain, No Gain

There are places on and in my body experiencing pain that I had no idea COULD experience pain. Alright, well that's an overstatement, but my goodness. It's quite comical when I think about it. I can't even stand up, reposition in my chair or roll over in bed with out wincing and feeling like my legs are being pulled off of my body. (For you moms out there...some of you know what I mean and why that happens...I won't go into it for the sake of everyone else.) My hips feel like they are burning all through the night, and we're on a once an hour rotation from side to side. Fortunately the constant need to pee has subsided for now (knock on wood), but maneuvering this belly from side to side while I'm trying to sleep feels like I'm moving the ocean and all of it inhabitants inside of me. I can't even roll over in one smooth motion any more, it's quite the process. You'd have to see it, I can't even explain it.

Now I believe I may have moved into a phase where I can't feed myself enough. I've started to get sick again anytime I'm hungry, which is becoming more and more frequent. I suppose that's one of the perks about pregnancy, you can enjoying eating more without the guilt. It's for a good cause.

I've also become more easily swollen. Today I went to a shoe store to buy a pair of comfortable flats for the fall. Of course as I walk in I get "the stare" from the sales associate. You know, the stare that says, "Oh my gosh, I hope she doesn't give birth in my store". Then as she approaches Nate and I she asks the question she must ask in order to start formulating a plan in her head just in case I do go into labor, "When are you due?". Then comes my favorite part when I answer "November" and the look of concern turns into a look of confusion. I let it sit for a few seconds and then I tell her that it's twins. So, now that she is relieved and slightly admiring me for still walking around being as big as I am, we start looking for shoes.

She tries to push a couple of her favorite brands on me, one in particular, but I'm not a fan and politely decline. I find my favorite brand and a shoe that I think will do for the duration of the fall during pregnancy and ask to try it on in a size 8. I tell her that should fit because my feet have grown being pregnant and that is now my new size. She asks if she can measure my foot. So we go over to the chair, she takes the shoes and socks off of my swollen feet and ankles (poor thing) and proceeds to tell me that I actually have very wide feet. REALLY...I MEAN REALLY...I had no idea! I couldn't believe that I had really wide feet, and for the life of me could not figure out how that had happened. (Just kidding) She then tried to tell me that I was a 6.5 wide when before I was pregnant I was a 7 regular. I thanked her for measuring me but told her I'd like to try the 7.5 and 8. She brings out the shoes explaining that some people try to make up for width by adding length and that I'll probably like the 7.5 best. I knew I wouldn't but I indulged her. Meanwhile, she tried to push her favorite brand of shoe on me again, at which point I politely said that I could not stand the sight of that particular brand of shoe and again would not be trying any of them on today. (I really did say it in a polite tone...she didn't get the hint the first two times, so I really didn't know what else to say.) Over all the visit was successful. I purchased my size 8 fall flats and the sales person was even kind enough to put my shoes and socks back on for me ( now-a-days that's a big deal).

Anyway, "No pain, No gain" as they say. I can't even imagine what it is going to be like to be mobile and somewhat agile again once these little ones come. That will be a good day.