Surrender

SO, it's been a while since my last post. I had a hard time my last month of pregnancy and I literally could not use my computer due to my protruding stomach. As I stated in my last post, I was in a huge amount of pain due to a condition called Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction. Apparently it means my ligaments that normally kept my pelvic bone aligned became too relaxed and stretchy due to the relaxin hormone that is released in order to prepare your body for child birth. My relaxin did it's job too well and I was unable to walk for several weeks before and after the babies came. So, needless to say that I've had to surrender my plans that I had for how things would be and I'm learning now more than ever how to take life an hour at a time. Fortunately, my little bundles were born on October 8th at 11:15 and 11:16pm both weighing in at 6 pounds even. Their names are Everett and Kaelyn. Ev had to spend two nights in the NICU to monitor his breathing but they both are exceedingly healthy, especially for being 4 weeks early.

At this point I'm loving being a mom. I had a hard recovery and still have physical therapy to do to get my mobility back to normal, but I'm just thankful to be walking again. My mom leaves tomorrow morning, which I am totally freaked out about seeing as she has helped me with the night feedings (and everything else) so far. But I know Nate is going to step up to the plate...just praying these little ones will start sleeping more. They eat every 3 hours still, and sometimes they wake up starving after just 2.5 hours. (They're both over 8lbs.) I can't give them more food at a feeding because they just spit it up and Ev has reflux as it is. So, I'm hoping for some sort of solution.

Pacifiers are my best friend and worst enemy...love them when the kids don't spit them out, and hate them when the kids wake up because they've spit it out for the 100th time. I rarely finish a meal, let alone my morning coffee, which isn't all bad because I have A LOT of repair to do on my body. I love all the little baby gifts people have been sending and shopping for my kids is definitely going to be a hobby of mine. I never knew I could love two people so much and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with them. It'd be great if they'd stop growing so fast though. I cried last night because Ev is 5 weeks and has pretty much grown out of his New Born clothes already. When things are calm and quiet I can't stop myself from just staring at them and kissing them as much as they'll let me. Hearing them cry when they're getting a bath or are uncomfortable makes me sad, but I'm so thankful for the cry they make when they're hungry or need a diaper change...it makes life easier knowing what they need. The worst is when I know why they're crying but can't help them (gassiness and such). Well anyway, that's all for now, and I'm sure there will be much more to come!

Joy in Pain

I have had the priveledge of being able to work through my pregnancy. I have a wonderful boss and supportive coworkers that make it possible for me to work from home when necessary. Althoug, I'd rather be in the office, out with people or at the church, there have been days where my body was not having it. As I approach my babies birth, my body is giving up and giving into more and more pain. BUT, today (much like many days of being in my house all day) I made myself aware of all of the joy around me while in my physical pain.

Today was a darker, rainy day which made it more quiet than most. I was so happy to look over at my window where my kitties sit and look outside and see them watching the rain drops come down as tranquil as can be. They probably have the most boring life ever (sleeping and being held captive inside) and yet they are as happy as can be. I've had more physical pain, boredom and anxiety in my life these last few months than I was prepared for, but I've had the best experiences with friends, family and the Lord than I ever could have imagined.

Being a person who loves accomplishment, I've learned how fast I let life fly by when I'm opporating at full capacity. Never do I stop and watch the rain, or enjoy the love and kind words of a loved one to the ultimate. Recieving help from friends and encouragement from people I haven't seen in years has penetrated my heart in such a way that I believe I am changed forever. I view the world differently, and I actually hear people when they are talking to me. I listen and soak it in more than ever before. Life is facinating now that I'm forced to watch it rather than run through it.

I have endured quite a bit of emotional pain in the past and the physical pain that I'm experiencing now is nothing to deny. We all have times of pain, and the level or extent of it does not take away from it's validity. I'm quite aware that my current circumstance pales in comparison to the pain others have experienced, but I have to believe that when we're looking we will find joy in pain. I actually believe this because I believe in Jesus and He promises there can be joy amidst suffering. He's in the life changing business, and mine is forever changed because of my short amount of time in pain. I'm fortunate because it's an end to a means. I'm praying for you who are experiencing and have experienced intense pain of any kind.

Hello, Goodbye

I'm 34 weeks in with these beautiful babies and it's time to start saying my goodbyes to all of the ailments and inconveniences of pregnancy. I would like to start with the pain. Goodbye to joint pain caused by swelling, goodbye to the pelvic pain that makes me want to cry every time I move. Goodbye to the excruciating pain that takes over my entire body anytime I lay down and try to sleep. Goodbye to the contractions that occur at random and the feeling that my uterus is going to fall right out the bottom of my stomach if I stand up too long. Goodbye to heartburn, headaches, back pain and aching feet.

Next I would like to bid farewell to the inconveniences of not being able to bend over, squat down, clean my house, carry ANYTHING, climb the stairs at an appropriate pace, DRIVE, stand up for more than 15 minutes at a time, or sit down for more than 30 minutes without pain and swelling. I long for the day when my average amount of visits to the restroom in a 24 hour period does not exceed 15, when I don't have to hydrate like my life depended on it, and I can eat like a normal person again and not feel like one wrong choice will kill my babies. It will be amazing when I'm no longer noticed on the street for my absurdly large stomach and comical waddle but for my sweet, cutie babies. I hope to never enter another maternity store for the rest of my life, and can't wait to button my pants when I put them on. Seeing my feet again while standing up will be great and sitting in a ladylike position instead of like I'm in hospital stirrups all day will be very comforting. Also, full range of motion in all extremities will be quite a treat.

On the other hand I would like to say hello to my water breaking, the crazy car ride to the hospital, the Operating Room, followed by a C-section, and finally the sweet sounding cries of my two little bundles. I would like to say hello to hard recovery from surgery but the satisfaction of seeing their faces every day. Hello to the pain of breast feeding/pumping and to the benefits to my body and theirs. Hello, to exercising, sleeping in the same bed as my husband, sleeping for more than one hour at a time (even though it may only be three to four at a time if I'm lucky), my family coming to see the new additions, the holidays...

I'm starting to become more of an impatient person and I experienced a bit of depression today because I feel like they should be done in there. God knows when they're ready and I know He's gonna bring them in His time. But I'm ready now, I'm done...far from over it. I had to blog tonight to blow off some steam before attempting to fall asleep again. It's never going to end...is it? (That's how I feel.)

Laid Up While Knocked Up

In anticipation of these two little bundles, every once in a while I still feel the need to vent about the small hurdles that will make it all worth while. My joy is overwhelming when I imagine what it will be like to meet our babies, but the frustration that comes with housing them for these months still gets the best of me. We’re in week 31 right now. The babies are doing wonderful, praise God, and I’m healthy as well. However, the body transformations are far from over.

Have you ever seen, or even owned those small plastic capsules that you put into water as a kid and all of the sudden it turns into an animal shaped sponge? Or how about those packs of underwear that are given at showers and birthday parties as a gag gift? They are packaged up into a 2” by 2” square and after 12-24 hours in the water they’re a flaming pair of boxers with hearts on them? Well, that’s what I am experiencing with my feet and hands on a daily basis.

I’m slightly swollen all over, but if I spend more than 10-20 minutes on my feet…poof…I’m a sponge. So, I’ve taken to sitting even more, WHICH, if you know me at all, is NOT my favorite thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I love to relax a little at the end of each day to get ready for the next, but typically efficiency and mobility are my two go-to drugs. For all of you who have ever been instructed to take it easy or sit down more, or (bless your souls) be on bed rest, you know the amount of discipline it takes to just sit around.

Fortunately I am still able to work and do small tasks around the house. Being in public is a sight to see. If I need to get anything at the store, I go to the stores that have those little scooters with the baskets on the front. That’s right…I ride around the store gathering my items with my stomach in the passenger seat. I get a variety of stares, ranging from “ what is her deal” to “ oh, poor thing”. My best friends just told me the other day that she loves going out in public with me. She chuckled this out loud after watching someone give me the twice over as we were walking to her car in the parking lot.

It has become comical at this point. I’m too happy about the babies coming soon to be mad about it anymore. The best is when I’m sitting on the couch and one foot is tilted on its side I find it has taken on a whole new shape when I lift it up again. It really is like the plastic capsules, part of the thrill is waiting to see which shape is going to come out next. The babies get a “kick” out of it too, ha ha…they are moving around like little champs in there.

Too Big for My Britches

Now that I'm in my third trimester I have the daunting task of finding more maternity clothes to fit over these two growing babies. Specifically shirts. The problem I face is that I am smaller on top but very round in the middle. So shirts that fit my shoulders do not cover my belly. At first I didn't think this would be a big deal and that I would just go up a size in maternity shirts...so, off to the store I went.
When I got there, there was a sweet young lady (about 5-10 years younger than me that clearly had not had her body alerted by pregnancy) who started a dressing room for me. I picked things off the rack that I thought might cover my belly, and still keep me cool in this heat we've been having. From time to time she would check on me and take the clothes I picked back to the dressing room...very non-invasive. Then I made my way over to the bra section to get a new size for the THIRD time and WHOOPS, there she was right behind me asking if I knew what size I was. I told her my estimate, she sized me up and then asked, "can I measure you?".
I knew where she was going with this having worked my way through my junior year of college at Victoria Secret. There is this system that people in the undergarment world have come up with that is supposed to be a sure-fire way to determine what bra size you are, ranging from the band to the cup size.
I declined her offer twice, knowing her tactics wouldn't work on me, but was growing tired of her asking and caved in the third time. (Apparently she thought she knew something that I didn't.) So she busts out her cute little measuring tape (pun intended) and wraps it around me in the three areas that she has been trained to do. We all know where this is going. Her measurements clearly contradicted my estimation (and entire life experience of living in my body and clothing it for years) and she announced to me that I was wrong about the size I was choosing. For some unknown reason I engaged her in an explanation of why her size would not work and gave her several examples of why I was confident in my decision, but again she persisted. The heat in the place was getting to me, so I wasn't thinking clearly and I allowed her to pick two of her sizes for me while I brought in the size I knew would fit me. Looking back, I have no idea why I put up with this, I remember feeling like I was in a cloud and in physical pain all at the same time, so I must not have been with it enough to kindly shut her down.
We ventured into the dressing room and I tried my bra choice on first as she looked for more long shirts for me to try. Yep, it fit just the way I wanted it to. Then, only to extend the craziness I waited until she came back and asked me how it fit to show her that it fit perfectly. "Oh no," she said, "if you have two months to go, you're going to grow out of that." The first thing that went through my mind was, "um, have you every been pregnant...with twins for that matter?". Of course I answered my own question and decided to try her choices on. Sure enough they didn't fit for the exact reasons that I told her they wouldn't. She insisted that I would grow into them. At this point I had heard enough about my growing and just decided to let it go.
I tried on all of the shirts, (like 30 of them) none of which fit. They were to big in the shoulders and the back. And at this point I was officially exhausted. I had to get out of there. It must have been God with me that day that kept me from giving that girl more attitude than I must have, and to top it all off, because she did assist me for so long and all I walked out with was one top after 2 grueling hours, I told her supervisor what a wonderful job she had done and agreed to fill something out online that would look good on her record. So weird.
So, anyway, I'm not sure how I'm going to keep this belly covered for the rest of the pregnancy, and I'm going to have to take a couple more breaths before attempting the bra thing again. But I'm looking forward to the future, and have learned two great lessons. Number one, never let someone younger and cuter assist you in a clothing store, and number two keep your privates private...no one else knows them like you do.

Makin' Babies

Well, I've come to the conclusion that this whole baby making thing is overly understated. Typically when you think of baby making, you think a that one magical moment when egg and sperm unite to make a baby, or babies in some cases. This, my friends, is just the beginning of making a baby. I am very much still in the process of making these babies. There is no other way to describe it. Unlike the first of my blogs, as I have stated, in this last trimester I am finding this job much more rewarding. I actually can feel what I'm making on a daily basis. I am at 28 weeks and definitely have a ways to go. If the babies were ready to come, I would welcome them gladly. But here's hoping for at least 8 more weeks in the oven.

I always like it when Nate and I are filling friends in about the pregnancy and he says "we" have a couple more months to go. He is TOTALLY experiencing this pregnancy, just from a different perspective. He has been unbelievably supportive. Not only has he had to continue his day to day business, but when he gets home he has had to take on several different roles depending on the circumstance. To name a few, he has had be my counselor, waiter, handyman (which I find very attractive), personal chef, personal assistant, launder, master organizer, bed side nurse, and representative. You know...life goes on when you're pregnant and the smallest things have become harder and harder for me to do on my own. I know I paint a perfect picture of Nate, of course he is just a perfectly flawed as I am, but I'm just taking it all in and watching how this babies makin' business is building our family.

I have to give a shout out to all of my loved ones for your support. I can't even start the list of the people who have blessed us during this time. These babies can feel the love!

Side note: Um, is there are reason why I can't keep food and liquids in my mouth when I eat like I used to. I have developed a "hole" in my lip. It's hilarious, but definitely linked to this pregnancy. Also, I've lost a lot of the strength in my grip...whassup wit dat?

No Pain, No Gain

There are places on and in my body experiencing pain that I had no idea COULD experience pain. Alright, well that's an overstatement, but my goodness. It's quite comical when I think about it. I can't even stand up, reposition in my chair or roll over in bed with out wincing and feeling like my legs are being pulled off of my body. (For you moms out there...some of you know what I mean and why that happens...I won't go into it for the sake of everyone else.) My hips feel like they are burning all through the night, and we're on a once an hour rotation from side to side. Fortunately the constant need to pee has subsided for now (knock on wood), but maneuvering this belly from side to side while I'm trying to sleep feels like I'm moving the ocean and all of it inhabitants inside of me. I can't even roll over in one smooth motion any more, it's quite the process. You'd have to see it, I can't even explain it.

Now I believe I may have moved into a phase where I can't feed myself enough. I've started to get sick again anytime I'm hungry, which is becoming more and more frequent. I suppose that's one of the perks about pregnancy, you can enjoying eating more without the guilt. It's for a good cause.

I've also become more easily swollen. Today I went to a shoe store to buy a pair of comfortable flats for the fall. Of course as I walk in I get "the stare" from the sales associate. You know, the stare that says, "Oh my gosh, I hope she doesn't give birth in my store". Then as she approaches Nate and I she asks the question she must ask in order to start formulating a plan in her head just in case I do go into labor, "When are you due?". Then comes my favorite part when I answer "November" and the look of concern turns into a look of confusion. I let it sit for a few seconds and then I tell her that it's twins. So, now that she is relieved and slightly admiring me for still walking around being as big as I am, we start looking for shoes.

She tries to push a couple of her favorite brands on me, one in particular, but I'm not a fan and politely decline. I find my favorite brand and a shoe that I think will do for the duration of the fall during pregnancy and ask to try it on in a size 8. I tell her that should fit because my feet have grown being pregnant and that is now my new size. She asks if she can measure my foot. So we go over to the chair, she takes the shoes and socks off of my swollen feet and ankles (poor thing) and proceeds to tell me that I actually have very wide feet. REALLY...I MEAN REALLY...I had no idea! I couldn't believe that I had really wide feet, and for the life of me could not figure out how that had happened. (Just kidding) She then tried to tell me that I was a 6.5 wide when before I was pregnant I was a 7 regular. I thanked her for measuring me but told her I'd like to try the 7.5 and 8. She brings out the shoes explaining that some people try to make up for width by adding length and that I'll probably like the 7.5 best. I knew I wouldn't but I indulged her. Meanwhile, she tried to push her favorite brand of shoe on me again, at which point I politely said that I could not stand the sight of that particular brand of shoe and again would not be trying any of them on today. (I really did say it in a polite tone...she didn't get the hint the first two times, so I really didn't know what else to say.) Over all the visit was successful. I purchased my size 8 fall flats and the sales person was even kind enough to put my shoes and socks back on for me ( now-a-days that's a big deal).

Anyway, "No pain, No gain" as they say. I can't even imagine what it is going to be like to be mobile and somewhat agile again once these little ones come. That will be a good day.

Savoring the Moments

It's been almost 27 weeks now and I'm in the phase where I'm savoring the final moments of my independence. Not only that, but also savoring the final moments of feeling my babies kick around inside me and move like crazy. I'm enjoying eating ice cream when I want and not feeling bad about the frequency, having free time, taking cat-naps when I have that free time, and spending the little time I have left alone with Nate. At times I feel more like I am mourning my independence than savoring it, but I realize that on the other side of this pregnancy lies more moments to savor.
Before I became pregnant everything was going really well. I enjoyed my job, my husband, my family and friends, and I felt a great sense of purpose in life. But something was missing. I kept trying to make myself believe that I didn't want to have kids yet, but I knew the whole time that's what was missing. I'm looking forward to being a mother and parenting my children. Talk about a huge sense of purpose, molding lives has to be one of the most purposeful things in life. Granted I realize the negatives that go with it, and I plan to blog regularly about them as they come, but until then I'm just going to savor the moments.

It's Good

This is going to sound strange, but so far this last trimester has been the best. It just started, but besides being in pain and having a bit of fatigue I feel pretty good. Maybe I’m just getting used to what it is to be pregnant. My anxiety has gone down dramatically now that the kids would be pretty much in the clear if they were to be born early. I love to feel and see them moving every day. The weather is getting more and more bearable and my favorite season is just around the corner.

I feel very loved and supported by all of my friends and loved ones (especially after the responses I had to my last blog) and I can tell that Nate is getting into the baby thing more. He’s such a good dad already. I can tell just by the way he cares for me now that I’ve started getting Braxton Hick’s contractions and have a had a cold for about 5 days. It never ceases to amaze me how he can find time in his busy schedule to be extra kind to me after a long days work. Even when I wake up about 4-5 times a night he rolls over and asks me if I’m ok almost every time. (Except now I sleep in a different bed because I can’t bare to wake him up so often.) It’s those small things that make my heart melt and feel secure all at the same time.

The only downside so far to this trimester is it seems to have zapped my creative juices, I mean my grumbling sarcasm.

What if...

So here I am again, up writing a blog at some mad hour of the night when I should be sleeping. But, as I have read in all the books and refused to believe, I am having anxiety over my upcoming responsibility." What if's" are racing through my mind. I know that after I write this blog many of you will feel obliged to tell me that I will be a wonderful mom and that everything will be fine. For my sake, resist that urge. I want to hear the authentic truth.

What if I can't handle it. What if I don't want to feed my babies in the middle of the night and would rather gouge my eyes out (I'm seriously afraid of that). What if my husband doesn't want to help and I can't do it all. What if I love my babies more than my husband. What if I don't love my babies...

What is it that goes on between parent and child that causes people to go through the "horror" of the first months-years of one child (depending on the perspective of the parent) and then turn around and have another, and another, etc. Is there some element of parenthood that I'm missing that overrides all of the "what if's" and the pain of infancy. Don't tell me simply that it's "different when it's your own", ok I get that, but that's not comforting.

I am legitimately freaked out about loosing sleep and falling into depression. What if no one is around to help me and I feel so alone that I do something crazy. It's not unheard of. What if I don't have what it takes to keep myself from crossing the line. (And for those of you thinking I've already lost it after reading this post...I'm still fine, just thinking out loud.) Can I trust the medical profession to diagnose me if I get postpartum depression before I do something stupid?

I know I just opened myself up to a plethora of stories about these topics, both encouraging and discouraging, and I welcome your feedback. If you have a story that is pertinent to what I'm talking about, please only tell me the ones that have a good ending. I've heard enough horror stories that have no redeeming quality about child rearing. I get that it's not all fun and games, but I'm not interested if your perspective is all doom and gloom either. Clearly I have enough clouds in my sky right now.

A Mile a Minute

Once the babies come, I know my life will move at a pace of a mile a minute. But, for now, it’s just my mind that is racing. I wish I could say that I am reflecting or getting a lot of productive thinking done, but it’s really just a mish-mash of thoughts floating around in no particular order with little or no correlation to one another. Just a jumbled mess.

So, here we are (the three of us) exhausted and blogging at 12:41am, half watching some random Late Night Show. Typically, I can shut my thoughts off at night and fall asleep (a discipline I learned during high school), but now I seem to have zero control over them while being pregnant. Is that a cop out…I mean, can I really blame this on pregnancy?

I’ve had other cognitive problems since being pregnant. For example, the simplest words will escape my mind at least three times a day (minimum), I am easily distracted from minor tasks, and I can seamlessly start a sentence with one topic and end it with another. However, my absolute favorite is when I try to get into cars in parking lots that are not my own. Most of the time they look absolutely nothing like the car I brought to the location. It’s happened a few times now, and takes me a good 30 seconds to figure out “ OH, that’s not my car…”.

What can I do about this maze in my brain. I have a feeling that I’ll just have to wait it out and hope my brain function returns with my body function after birth. Typically I have a complete roadmap for each day, week and sometimes month. Detours are no problem and in fact welcomed if more efficient. But now, I feel like a mouse in a maze for the first time, constantly hitting a dead end, retracing their steps, trying another route and then finally getting to the exit where the cheese is (that is if I can even remember that I am looking for the cheese). It’s very bizarre.

Anyway, I’m over exaggerating a bit, but understand, I’m used to efficiency and organization. Therefore, the smallest unnecessary blip causes great concern. I’ve learned to laugh at myself and move on, but deep down it bothers me a little. I realize that children demand that I relinquish some of this mindset, but I’d like to be able to do that by choice, not because of a brain malfunction. So, moms of America, is there hope for regaining mental strength? Will I be able to keep up with these little bundles? My money is on YES, I will overcome, but I’m interested in what you all think.

Kicking and Screaming

I’m almost at 24 weeks now and I know I haven’t posted anything new for a while. I’ve been in a lull for a couple of weeks now. I’m getting used to all the pain and strange feelings that occur on a daily basis, growing twins. I’m able to see the doctor every two weeks now instead of every four, so my anxiety has calmed down quite a bit.
I tend to have a hard time sleeping at night because I feel like I’m squishing them by sleeping on my side (which is of course my only option). As soon as I lay on one side that baby starts kicking. I love to feel them kick, it’s one of my favorite things now, but someone please tell me I’m not squishing them…
I’ve also started to have extremely strange and vivid dreams along with abdominal discomfort, so the nights are broken up into small portions of sleep. I wake up about every two hours. Funny thing though, as soon as it hits about 6am and I have about 2-3 hours of sleep left, that is when I finally sleep deeply. (Frustration!)
I cannot wait to see these little guys. They are going to be my pride and joy. The other day at the doctors I was able to see them, and the little boy was rubbing his eyes like he was sleepy. That’s what I saw anyway…can they even do that yet?
Their nursery is set up and so peaceful. Presents from loved ones are quickly filling up their dressers and closets. I picked out a few items as well…I am their mom after all. Things are looking up from here (knock on wood). Pretty soon Nate and I will be holding these little babes in our arms, kissing them every second that we can. I know it’s sick, but I’m even looking forward to them screaming at the top of their lungs when they need us. It’s a refreshing sound hearing a small baby cry, because to me it means they’re healthy. You can’t ask for anything more than a healthy baby. And in our case, two will be great.

Hobbit Feet and Sausages

We have had a wonderful week this week. Monday we found out that we're having a boy AND a girl! It's so exciting! I'm almost 21 weeks along and my body is getting heavier by the day. It's unreal that I can't just take this tummy off and put it on a shelf for a couple of hours. I'm finding myself to be more and more limited in physical activity. Yesterday I took a walk for ten minutes, sat down for an hour for lunch and then walked another ten back to work, and it totally took me out. My legs looked like sausages, my feet were of the Hobbit kind (wide and puffy) and I had a major headache. Who knew that something so simple would take me out for the rest of the day. Knowing my bodies signals for the most part at this point, I went home and zonked out for two and a half hours. Only to wake up with more of a headache, feeling less rested. So, lesson learned. No more 10 minute walks for me, till the babies come. By then it will be a privilege to exercise and not such a chore.

I’m Missing My Hinge!

Before I was pregnant I used to love watching pregnant women walk around. There’s a certain waddle that every women acquires, whether it’s slight or obvious. All you can think when you see them is, “WOW, that looks heavy, they should sit down”. The best part is when they do sit down. Instead of squatting down a bit and leading themselves into the chair with their backside, they must now lead with their arms. It’s like their playing one of those team building games when you stand with your back to another person and cross your arms in front of you in order that the person behind you will catch you when you lean back…remember those? It’s awful! It’s a toss up every time they reach back for the seat. Of course some seats are easier to get into than others, and getting onto a stool is just laughable. (I’m laughing out loud to myself right now.)
Now, of course I’m in the same boat and it goes beyond just sitting down. Any time I can’t reach down to get something or get my shoes on without contorting my leg into some acrobatic pose, I just thing “I’m missing my hinge” (a.k.a. my waist). It’s hilarious! (I’m still laughing out loud.) The best one yet for me is when I’m in a public restroom that has a low toilet. Sitting down on one of those is always a gamble. It’s literally either a hit or a miss. And if there is nothing to hang onto on your way down towards it…you sure aren’t going to be leading with your hands like you would in a normal chair. I’m not touching that. If it wasn’t so crude and inappropriate someone should video that scenario and send it into America’s Funniest Home Videos. That would win the 100K.

Getting out of a chair is a whole other story. Getting out of or off of anything (a bed, a car, a couch etc.) is a feat. Each one takes it’s own system for each stage of development. Right now I’m still getting by with scooting to the edge of whatever it is I’m on and using the momentum from leaning back and pushing off with my arms behind or beside me. I take more of the beached whale approach when getting out of bed (just role and tumble). Asking for assistance anytime someone is near is another strategy. But I can just picture, toward the end of my pregnancy when I’m huge, running errands and being in a public parking lot, having to wait in my car until some stranger passes by who is nice enough to help a pregnant lady get out of her car. That is, if I can even fit behind the steering wheel by then.

Opposite Day

Remember when you were a kid and you and your friends would decide that it
was “Opposite Day”? Then you would pester other people who weren’t clued into your little secret. If they would answer a question with yes, you would say, “you mean no…IT’S OPPOSITE DAY”, and so on. As a kid, it was fun and mind stimulating to try to be clever with all of your opposites. As an adult, it’s just nagging and annoying.

Being a pregnant woman with twins means that opposite day is everyday. I feel the opposite of what I normally would in most situations, and therefore sense that at times I am that kid, nagging and annoying everyone around me. It takes quite a bit of mental discipline to act rational when my emotions are irrational. I feel sorry for crazy people, no joke. What a crappy life to live in delusion and have little or no hope of a glimpse back into reality. At least from time to time I enter back into reality and it reminds me of my irrational moments. Otherwise, I would be tempted to consider my moods swings as the new reality. They are SO STRONG!

You know how they make those kitchy T-shirts that pregnant women can wear that say, “Baby On Board”, “Oh BOY I’m Pregnant” and so on? Typically I’m not a fan of stuff like that. However, if they would make a shirt that said “I’m Sorry…I’m Hormonal” or “ Caution…Mood Swings May Occur at Any Time”, I’d buy one if every color for each day of the week.

Pregnant in the Summer

So, sporting stretch marks at the beach and squeezing the last bit of wear out of clothes that fit you a week ago in the summer is kind of a bummer. Along with being the hottest I’ve ever been in my life (I’m typically cold by nature), and drinking insane amounts of water which inevitably sends me trekkin’ to my “second home” (the bathroom) more often than I’d like. Oh, and how ‘bout that swelling!

But, the upside is, I get tan…I LOVE to be tan. It’s one of my favorite things. Not only do you get the happy vitamin from the sun, but also tan skin is so pretty. Now that I’m pregnant and tan, the acne is going away and people say that I’m just “glowing”. Thank you Palm Beach Florida sun!

(A shout out to my friends who spent a week of their vacation with me in Florida. Thank you for being so wonderful and accommodating. I felt so cared for.)

Hankering

So, I'm sitting at home, Nate's not here and I leave for Florida tomorrow. I have plenty of things to do, but all I can think about is soft serve, twist ice cream with Butterfinger on it. I'd go get some at my local ice cream shop but THEY DON'T HAVE BUTTERFINGER! Are they serious, no Butterfinger! What is that about!!!

I tried cereal, chocolate pudding and old freezer burned ice cream with chocolate syrup. That's what I had in the house. Of course a couple bites in I gave up and knew they wouldn't satisfy. I could go to Dairy Queen, but it's in kind of a shady area. So that's a no go. My friend sent me a site that delivers ice cream, but not within the hour. So, here I am, sitting at home, Nate's not here and I leave for Florida tomorrow. I have plenty of things to do, but all I can think about is...

Breakdown...

Have you ever felt like a cartoon character? Yesterday I felt like the Abominable Snowman from the claymation cartoon Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. (If you haven't ever seen it, put it on your schedule for viewing this Christmas.) The day started off like any normal Sunday, going to work from 8am-2pm and coming home for a 30 minute nap that was rudely interrupted by the urge to pee...AGAIN (I practically live in the bathroom). As soon as I woke up, it began. I was on a war path to get things done and I was CRANKY. Nate and I worked on getting the whole house cleaned and the rest of the nursery painted. My fuse was short and I was determined to finish what I wanted to accomplish in just a few short hours. I had a lot on my mind and I carried it around with me as we worked. Everything was adding up to what would be one big breakdown.

My butt seems to continue to grow daily (which creates quite the profile for a 5'3" short-waisted pregnant woman), I have this nagging, underlying fear that at any moment something could happen to the babies, I hadn't felt them in three days (today is going on four), I had heard one too many times about how much paint I had gotten on the floor while painting, every dustball and fur-ball I swept up made me increasingly irritated, every item that was not mine that I had to put away lessened my patience and I was missing the connection that Nate and I had before my mind and body had become all consumed by pregnancy. Oh, and to top it all off, after all of that I watched the ending of the movie Juno and balled my eyes out. I just want the babies to be okay. I just want to meet them. When I look back on it, I remind myself of the 2,000 pound fat, furry monster that waddles around after his prey with his arms raised, screeching at the top of his lungs.

Then we went to dinner and I took a small breath.

When we got home and it was time for bed, I lost it. I was reenacting the point in Rudolph where the Abominable Snowman softens his heart, cries big giant claymation tears and becomes friends with all the villagers. He even puts the star on the top of the Christmas tree because none of the elves or reindeer can reach it (sorry if I ruined the end for you). I apologized for getting paint on the floor, I told Nate about the anxiety about my butt and the babies, and I decided that if anything goes wrong with the pregnancy that I would go to the Gulf and help clean the poor oil soaked animals (that's been on my mind too). Nate was calm and kind as usual, assured me that I could go clean the animals if something goes wrong, and commended me for being so good at doing such an important job, carrying our babies. The phrase "Coo Coo for Coa Coa Puffs" comes to mind. I was (am) completely OUT of my mind. I could've cried for hours, but I made myself fall asleep.

The funny thing is, I still feel like I could cry at any moment today. A good friend continues to remind me that "It's just one of many (breakdowns) to come", so at least I know it's normal.

On the up-side, my house is clean, the nursery is finished, Nate is organizing the basement, I went to the store, baked cookies, started mapping out our financial future, took two naps today, wrote this blog and some dear friends are coming over for dinner on the patio in an hour. I'm still waddling around, but I have yet to raise my arms and screech at the top of my lungs...it's a good day for the villagers.

Blog About the Good Stuff

My friend Beckie and I painted the nursery today. It's going to be so nice and serene. This trimester has been great, just like everyone said it would be. I love to feel the babies flutter around. The other day, I had a little caffeine and they were going crazy in there. I felt bad though after that and try not to have it everyday. (Doctor says "two or fewer" a day.) It was super fun to feel them though.

I heard their heart beats two weeks ago and we find out the sexes on June 21st. Things seem to have slowed down (in terms of the pregnancy) quite a bit. Nate is such a good dad already, checking in during the day to make sure I'm resting as much as I can, especially after work. I have my real appetite back and getting things done around the house is totally doable in short little spurts. I'm still just as neurotic about every little pain I experience, but even that is subsiding. It takes discipline.

I can't wait to meet our babies!

Phobia

I don't know about any of you but I'm super afraid of clutter. I've been registering for a baby shower my mom and sister are throwing the babes and I'm getting claustrophobic. Something about those baby gimmicks and chotchkies gets me in a panic. Small little parts that will be lost in two seconds rendering the product useless and even more of a waist of space, primary colors covering every surface and fabric sections just waiting to be filled with slobber.

Even if I wasn't afraid of clutter and useless products, I'd still have a problem with the actual look of all of these things. You know what I mean. Most kid's playroom or bedroom floors look like a clown threw up all over them. I can't STAND the over use of primary colors, it's like clutter for your brain (I'm giving you a taste of my psychosis). I was the kind of kid that always went for the "Bold" Crayola markers rather than the "Classic". It was one of my favorite things to use the crayons that had names like Cornflower, Almond, and Caribbean Green. The 64 count of crayons was never enough, it seemed so limiting. So, you can imagine the internal twitching that occurs any time I have to go into a toy store.

Before, I could just leave the scene and go home to my beautiful bolds, but now...it's inevitable. They're coming for me, those primaries. Even necessities for children have the tiny pieces, fabric spaces and horrid color pallet. Prime example, exersaucers. I know these little contraptions are going to be a life saver for me when I just need to get things done around the house and my little babes just can't be pleased. However, the moment I clicked on the "Add to Registry" button for TWO of these, I had to take a deep breath. I've been doing a lot of that lately.

So, all of this complaining and what's my solution...beautiful, decorative storage baskets/bins or whatever. I'm gonna hide it all! Shelves and closets will be my friend in a whole new way. I know what most of you are thinking, "Sure, good luck Kelci, let us know how that works out for ya". Hey, it's helping me get through this...just let me have my fantasy.

Bathing Suits (Maternity Suits and the Like)

So, who decided that modern women's swimsuits should be designed in the fashion that they are today? I think it was some sort of sadistic crazy person/people (excuse my strong language). It's just sick ya know. 99% of women HATE swimsuit shopping, loathe wearing them, and feel like less of a person when out in public. I can't really blame all of that on the design of the suits, it's also the women they put in them to advertise them. You know...the 1% that are blessed (in our societies eyes) genetically or have had the opportunity to experience the magical world of plastic surgery. It's just all around unhealthy. What happened to the good ol' days of those old fashion swim outfits that took longer to put on, and had more fabric than your every day clothes?

The dilemma we have as women comes down to a choice. Do we loathe ourselves for the way our body looks, or do we live it up? The first option is much easier as we have been trained to hate our bodies since the first time we saw a Barbie. It starts young and can get more and more overwhelming as we get older. Many of us fall into the trap of thinking our entire worth, and the only reason anyone should find value in us, is because of our looks. It becomes our self esteem, or lack there of. The funny thing is...we are NEVER satisfied. Not as individuals, girlfriends, wives, daughters, mothers...we're not even satisfied as a nation. Everything points us back to how we fail to meet a standard.

Side note: In earlier posts I promised to keep this blog at a PG/PG-13 level. I didn't say anything about keeping things PC though (Politically Correct). So every now and then, I might talk about my faith. If that's offensive to you, it's not meant to be, but with a subject like this, I must bring it up.

So, what about that other choice? The harder choice, to live it up and love ourselves. It's clearly the best choice so why do we consistently ignore the fact that this way of thought is even an option. BECAUSE...you ready for this...we are all born into a condition of inadequacy. What do ya think about that?

I bet some of you are getting pretty ticked at me right about now. Some of you are thinking, "She's crazy, I am just fine, I have a great self esteem, I am a powerful woman/man", and that's fabulous is you think that. But I would challenge you to analyze what it is in your life that you have done, accomplished or do on a regular basis that has to be maintained or had to be done in order for you to believe that about yourself? What is it in your life that gives you that assurance, and if it was taken away tomorrow...would you be loathing yourself?

Others of you feel the pain, you don't have anything the gives you any sort of assurance of value. Ultimately, we're all trying to prove ourselves from the very beginning, and if you haven't had opportunity, good looks, or anything else our society holds up as valuable you're stuck loathing yourself. OH, and you don't have any problem finding excuses, reasons or affirmation as to why you should stay there.

The age old question...am I good enough? Let me help you with that. On your own, the answer is NO, you're not. (Now some of you are SUPER TICKED.) You're thinking, "what is this girls phone number, I need to give her a piece of my mind, she's messed up". Let me assure you I have thought long and hard about this, so bare with me (and you can leave any comment you want at the end of the blog).

You're not, you're not good enough on your own. You know why? Because you're not complete. Like I said before, we're all born into this condition of inadequacy. We're born without God in our lives. We've established that we're never satisfied with ourselves, anyone can acknowledge that, and we know that we all have an underlying need to prove ourselves to the world, our parents, ourselves, our friends, our spouses or whoever it may be. So where does that come from? A lacking. Being incomplete. If we were whole from the beginning, we would never experience loathing.

Back to the God-thing. What I have come to understand is that we all come out lacking something, but the good new is, God IS that something. Not religion, not rules, not fulfilling moral expectations or just appearing to, but knowing God. I know God, and I'm getting to know him better everyday, just as I am my husband, family and friends. I've known about God for years, but it wasn't until 3 years ago that I began to get to know Him for who He is.

I'm not talking about God like we hear about on T.V. or the PC god that we're "allowed" to talk about in social circles. I'm talking about the one true God. The God of the Bible, Jesus Christ, the Trinity, God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. That one, the real one. Whew...surprisingly that takes a lot of guts to say. Now that I've lost over half of you, I might as well continue.

My daily choice to live it up and love myself comes from my desire to honor God who tells us in the Bible that we are all enough. Boom, plain and simple. No actions necessary. He loves us unconditionally as his creation and if we can live in acceptance of that love and that truth, we can be ENOUGH. See how that all fits in? You all thought I was going to tell you that you're not enough without God and you have to do this, that and the other thing to even begin to have an inkling about what it's like to be enough. NOPE, like I said before, we are lacking something but only GOD is that something. A relationship with Him, not a knowledge of Him or what you should do to make Him or it or what every you thought God was before happy, but an actually relationship.

To me that makes all the sense in the world. It's modeled around us everyday. What actually matters in life? Our job, our stuff, or how we look in a bathing suit? We would all agree that no, it's our family, our friends, the people we have relationships with in our lives. We may not live like those are the most important, but we all know that they are.

So, what are we going to choose on a daily basis? We can loathe ourselves which is as easy as it is to breath our next breath, or we can come into a relationship with God and trust what He says is true about our value. We are enough! He said so over and over in His book. It's a processes, but it's one worth giving a change, because there will be progress. Hope you can find encouragement in that. Have a great day!

The Winds of Change

Well, I'm in the middle of my 16th week as a mommy and I had my 16 week check up today. I have to say that hearing those heartbeats for the first time is one of the best things ever. I have gone almost a whole week with only night nausea, headaches and heartburn, which is allowing me most of the day to feel like a real person again. The doctor said that this is the honeymoon phase and if I'm fortunate, it will last until about 28-30 weeks along. HURRAY!!! The best part is, I'm feeling the babies move more regularly now. It's still the kind of feeling that you get when you're on a roller coaster or something tickles your belly, not the elbows to the ribs or the playing soccer with your internal organs that I hear I am in for later.
Summer, hear we come! I have a couple of trips planned in June that I was nervous about in my former state, and now I'm super pumped! Hurray second trimester!

Thankful

Two days ago I felt the babies moving around like crazy for the first time. At first it was super freaky and felt like a roller coaster ride or like butterflies trying to escape, but then throughout the day it was comforting and kinda fun. It was nice to know they were there with me. Even though pregnancy hasn’t been that great so far, I’m very thankful for my two little growing bundles of joy. It’s pretty amazing how God decided to bring new life onto the Earth. Mind-boggling actually.

Freaky Friday

Have any of you ever seen the movie Freaky Friday? It’s with Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis. The whole movie is about how a teenage daughter and her mom accidentally switch bodies. Back in 2003 when it came out I thought about how awkward and disturbing it would be to have that happen, but was comforted by the fact that it is impossible.
Funny though, 7 years later here I am feeling like I’m in someone else’s body. And guess what, I was right it’s awkward and disturbing. The redeeming factor is the fact that all of the changes are for a greater good, but I swear I look in the mirror on a daily basis and think…that’s not mine.
I’m caught in between adolescence and menopause. Not only do I have a pretty good case of acne (which I was blessed and did not have as a teen), but my mood swings are totally taking me back to when I was 12. Body parts have, of course, started to expand but I wasn’t aware as to how much they would shift. Some days, I feel a bit like a Picasso painting, all miss matched around. Also, new colors and lines have begun to appear in some of the most unflattering places (too much info. I know). Some of my body is just starting to disappear…for example, my toes. Then to add icing to the cake I frequently enjoy headaches and hot flashes.
Suddenly I empathize with the elderly as well. Getting off the couch, out of bed or into a car is exhausting (things don’t bend like they used to), and this sciatica…WHAT IS THAT ABOUT…OUCH.
God was brilliant though when he put the maternal instinct inside women who choose to have children, because in the grand scheme of things, all that stuff I just joked/complained about doesn’t really phase me. It’s bizarre and something worth documenting, but I get to have two babies after it’s over…can you believe that! And as most of you know, one baby is worth it all.
I also have to give credit to Nate. He’s been awesome in supporting me when I do get insecure about everything happening so fast. The best thing he has said to me over the past four months was after a melt down I had, (that was primarily directed towards him…oops) where he just held me, looked me in the eyes and said, “Thank you for carrying our babies”. OH, MY…here I go, where’s the tissue. It makes me cry every time I reminisce.
It’s good to have a support system, especially since the best part is…I still have 5 months to go.

Crazy Cats

Before Nate and I decided to have children my biological clock had already started ticking. So, I had a great idea…I was going to get cats to fill the void. They were going to be my fake babies. That went well for about a year.

I was probably about 6 weeks pregnant when I noticed my cats acting differently. It’s like they knew something was different about me. Toby, my aloof and emotionally challenged cat became a cling-on. He follows me everywhere now. Even to the bathroom. He insists on sitting on my lap every time I used the bathroom. Gross and annoying. He makes a point to get in there before I have a chance to shut the door and just thinks it’s the best thing ever.
Lilly, my baby, isn’t a fan of the little ones inside. About a week ago while I was laying down (story of my life) he jumped up on the bed, sniffed my belly and took one paw and started digging at my stomach. DO I LIVE IN THE TWIGHTLIGHT ZONE? What in the world! I haven’t even felt the babies kick yet and my cat is trying to get them out. (Sorry to those of you who are afraid of cats, I’m sure you’ll have nightmares tonight.)

I suppose what I’m trying to say is…does anyone want a cat?

Magical Ice Chips

I have recently discovered a “magic pill” for nausea….ICE CHIPS! Sure, most of you probably had this figured out long before this announcement, but let me have my moment. If only I could take them with me everywhere I go.

Naked (Warning…this may make some people squirm a little. It’s not graphic, just not a common topic.)

There should be a law that allows all pregnant women to walk around naked. I have found that clothes are the enemy. NOTHING feels right. I’m not talking about the feeling you get when you’ve gained some weight and you feel uncomfortable, I’m talking about the feeling you get when you’re really irritated and it takes everything in you not to curse. (Admit it, you all know what I’m talking about. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you.)
The minute I found out I was pregnant I thought to myself “Thank God, I can’t stand to wear my regular jeans another day”. Then the minute I found out there were twins I was practically rejoicing. I could not understand why I was getting so big (everywhere) so fast. What a relief! I had been in maternity pants since 6 weeks along and grown out of every undergarment I own.

God bless maternity stores for their attempt to make our lives as pregnant women a little more comfortable and stylish, but I’m looking for something bigger, much more global. Women in Africa have it down…they don’t wear anything. We need government intervention. Maybe someday, when we have a woman President we can unite as women and propose that a law is passed for all pregnant women. Indecent exposure would not apply to us. We could even allot a space for nursing women and partial nudity. Since when is it fair that we must seclude ourselves from the rest of the world while we sustain the future generation with our milk.

I can understand how this would make so many people uncomfortable, so here’s my solution. Ship us off to a tropical island until we deliver. Maternity leave intact, for those of us who work, and our jobs secure when we get back. It’s only nine months. Not only would that save society from having to view naked pregnant ladies, it would save them from mood swings, unpredictable vomiting episodes, and having to go out of their way to help us lift heavy objects. PLUS, anyone who would loose their job in the maternity fashion industry would have first dibs on a job at our tropical island resort.

This is the point in the blog that I realize I’ve gone too far (I’m gonna blame it on the hormones). So with all of this said, I guess I could just settle for being allowed to wear sweat pants, baggy shirts and sports bras in any social environment until the day I give birth. If I have to settle…

Standards, Oh How They Change

Pre-pregnancy, my "standard" of a good day was when anything out of the ordinary was added into a typical day. For example, a random Starbucks run with a friend or colleague, or a last minute manicure in between work and getting dinner ready. Now, that standard has changed.

A good day for me now days is a day like today. Mild nausea in the morning and evening, consistent energy levels, and on a scale from 1-10 (1 being barely there and 10 being excruciating) my headache is only a 4 tonight as I get ready for bed. THIS, was a good day!

Pregnancy

So, I’m joining the Blog world a little late, but I’m glad to be a part of it now. I have recently become pregnant with twins (15 weeks along) and suddenly have a variety of thoughts to blog.

For some of you who will read this, you will know me personally, and I just want to apologize in advance for the candor I will be using. This pregnancy thing has not been a bed of roses for me, and where I realize that some women love being pregnant, that has not been the case for me so far.

I will say this once and only once for those of you who are judging me already, I am THRILLED to be having twins. The symptoms and side affects that must be endured to have them I absolutely hate. I hope that is clear. I will be blogging about my pregnancy, NOT my children. I can’t wait to meet them.

Well, these past 15 weeks have been quite a ride… like a roller coaster ride that doesn’t end. I should look at the bright side and realize that I have it pretty good compared to some women who go through absolutely horrific things in pregnancy. But instead, I choose to admire and commend those women and still feel sorry for myself.

The first three months it seems like I have spent mostly on the couch or in bed. Aliens have taken over my body and I have NO control over how I feel emotionally, physically, or psychologically. I’ve had cravings that have ranged from 3 soft shell tacos from Taco Bell for three days straight, all the way to one night when my dinner consisted of a personal pan pizza and cheese sticks from Pizza Hut topped off with 2 glazed donuts from Dunkin Donuts. (GROSS)

Now I know what some of you are thinking…”don’t forget, you’re not really eating for two” or another one of my favorites “ just because you think you’re craving something, doesn’t mean that the baby needs it”. My answer to that is, “you’re right, I’m not eating for two, I’m having twins so I guess that means I’m eating for three”. Also,” if that is how you feel, you probably want to find another blog to read”.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand that anyone could easily use pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever they want whether they should or not and then blame the extra 30 pounds they gain on their “baby weight” for the rest of their lives, but WHO CARES! They had a baby!!! I have never had more of an appreciation for what women go through to get these cute and cuddly little beings. Why is it that the weight matters? Health reasons I can understand, but no one has to look at my fat. It’s not their fat, it’s mine and if I want to gain it, I will. If I want to loose it I will. If that’s not ok with you, you definitely want to read another blog, and maybe get some counseling in body image issues.

ANYWAY, today was the first day that I experienced a normal level of energy. Up until now, my days have consisted of holding back vomit, living in a daze of exhaustion, dizziness, headaches and restless nights. As today progressed my energy level has consistently increased. I’m writing this blog entry now having already attempted going to bed. I haven’t had a problem going to sleep on demand in months. Maybe the cloud has lifted…uh, well and the heartburn has started. It would be wonderful to have my energy back. I have so much to get done!

I realize this blog entry is out of control long, and I appreciate you all enduring it. I look forward to many more entries. I fully intend to post frequently, especially when I’m right in the middle of a mood swing (like I was tonight). I would appreciate any responses to this blog from those of you who can relate in anyway or just think it’s amusing. I have no time for those of you who would like to tell me how wrong I am and that I need to change my perspective…I’m going through enough changes right now, I can’t predict my perspective from hour to hour. And please, no vulgar or inappropriate responses. This is a PG/PG 13 blog. I want honest responses and the occasional helpful hint wouldn’t hurt every now and then either. Have a great night …TTYL