It's Good

This is going to sound strange, but so far this last trimester has been the best. It just started, but besides being in pain and having a bit of fatigue I feel pretty good. Maybe I’m just getting used to what it is to be pregnant. My anxiety has gone down dramatically now that the kids would be pretty much in the clear if they were to be born early. I love to feel and see them moving every day. The weather is getting more and more bearable and my favorite season is just around the corner.

I feel very loved and supported by all of my friends and loved ones (especially after the responses I had to my last blog) and I can tell that Nate is getting into the baby thing more. He’s such a good dad already. I can tell just by the way he cares for me now that I’ve started getting Braxton Hick’s contractions and have a had a cold for about 5 days. It never ceases to amaze me how he can find time in his busy schedule to be extra kind to me after a long days work. Even when I wake up about 4-5 times a night he rolls over and asks me if I’m ok almost every time. (Except now I sleep in a different bed because I can’t bare to wake him up so often.) It’s those small things that make my heart melt and feel secure all at the same time.

The only downside so far to this trimester is it seems to have zapped my creative juices, I mean my grumbling sarcasm.

What if...

So here I am again, up writing a blog at some mad hour of the night when I should be sleeping. But, as I have read in all the books and refused to believe, I am having anxiety over my upcoming responsibility." What if's" are racing through my mind. I know that after I write this blog many of you will feel obliged to tell me that I will be a wonderful mom and that everything will be fine. For my sake, resist that urge. I want to hear the authentic truth.

What if I can't handle it. What if I don't want to feed my babies in the middle of the night and would rather gouge my eyes out (I'm seriously afraid of that). What if my husband doesn't want to help and I can't do it all. What if I love my babies more than my husband. What if I don't love my babies...

What is it that goes on between parent and child that causes people to go through the "horror" of the first months-years of one child (depending on the perspective of the parent) and then turn around and have another, and another, etc. Is there some element of parenthood that I'm missing that overrides all of the "what if's" and the pain of infancy. Don't tell me simply that it's "different when it's your own", ok I get that, but that's not comforting.

I am legitimately freaked out about loosing sleep and falling into depression. What if no one is around to help me and I feel so alone that I do something crazy. It's not unheard of. What if I don't have what it takes to keep myself from crossing the line. (And for those of you thinking I've already lost it after reading this post...I'm still fine, just thinking out loud.) Can I trust the medical profession to diagnose me if I get postpartum depression before I do something stupid?

I know I just opened myself up to a plethora of stories about these topics, both encouraging and discouraging, and I welcome your feedback. If you have a story that is pertinent to what I'm talking about, please only tell me the ones that have a good ending. I've heard enough horror stories that have no redeeming quality about child rearing. I get that it's not all fun and games, but I'm not interested if your perspective is all doom and gloom either. Clearly I have enough clouds in my sky right now.

A Mile a Minute

Once the babies come, I know my life will move at a pace of a mile a minute. But, for now, it’s just my mind that is racing. I wish I could say that I am reflecting or getting a lot of productive thinking done, but it’s really just a mish-mash of thoughts floating around in no particular order with little or no correlation to one another. Just a jumbled mess.

So, here we are (the three of us) exhausted and blogging at 12:41am, half watching some random Late Night Show. Typically, I can shut my thoughts off at night and fall asleep (a discipline I learned during high school), but now I seem to have zero control over them while being pregnant. Is that a cop out…I mean, can I really blame this on pregnancy?

I’ve had other cognitive problems since being pregnant. For example, the simplest words will escape my mind at least three times a day (minimum), I am easily distracted from minor tasks, and I can seamlessly start a sentence with one topic and end it with another. However, my absolute favorite is when I try to get into cars in parking lots that are not my own. Most of the time they look absolutely nothing like the car I brought to the location. It’s happened a few times now, and takes me a good 30 seconds to figure out “ OH, that’s not my car…”.

What can I do about this maze in my brain. I have a feeling that I’ll just have to wait it out and hope my brain function returns with my body function after birth. Typically I have a complete roadmap for each day, week and sometimes month. Detours are no problem and in fact welcomed if more efficient. But now, I feel like a mouse in a maze for the first time, constantly hitting a dead end, retracing their steps, trying another route and then finally getting to the exit where the cheese is (that is if I can even remember that I am looking for the cheese). It’s very bizarre.

Anyway, I’m over exaggerating a bit, but understand, I’m used to efficiency and organization. Therefore, the smallest unnecessary blip causes great concern. I’ve learned to laugh at myself and move on, but deep down it bothers me a little. I realize that children demand that I relinquish some of this mindset, but I’d like to be able to do that by choice, not because of a brain malfunction. So, moms of America, is there hope for regaining mental strength? Will I be able to keep up with these little bundles? My money is on YES, I will overcome, but I’m interested in what you all think.

Kicking and Screaming

I’m almost at 24 weeks now and I know I haven’t posted anything new for a while. I’ve been in a lull for a couple of weeks now. I’m getting used to all the pain and strange feelings that occur on a daily basis, growing twins. I’m able to see the doctor every two weeks now instead of every four, so my anxiety has calmed down quite a bit.
I tend to have a hard time sleeping at night because I feel like I’m squishing them by sleeping on my side (which is of course my only option). As soon as I lay on one side that baby starts kicking. I love to feel them kick, it’s one of my favorite things now, but someone please tell me I’m not squishing them…
I’ve also started to have extremely strange and vivid dreams along with abdominal discomfort, so the nights are broken up into small portions of sleep. I wake up about every two hours. Funny thing though, as soon as it hits about 6am and I have about 2-3 hours of sleep left, that is when I finally sleep deeply. (Frustration!)
I cannot wait to see these little guys. They are going to be my pride and joy. The other day at the doctors I was able to see them, and the little boy was rubbing his eyes like he was sleepy. That’s what I saw anyway…can they even do that yet?
Their nursery is set up and so peaceful. Presents from loved ones are quickly filling up their dressers and closets. I picked out a few items as well…I am their mom after all. Things are looking up from here (knock on wood). Pretty soon Nate and I will be holding these little babes in our arms, kissing them every second that we can. I know it’s sick, but I’m even looking forward to them screaming at the top of their lungs when they need us. It’s a refreshing sound hearing a small baby cry, because to me it means they’re healthy. You can’t ask for anything more than a healthy baby. And in our case, two will be great.